College Football Bottom 10 – Things haven’t been looking good for Ohio State

Inspirational idea for the week:

On my wall there is a picture of you
Even though I’m trying to forget you somehow
You are the mirror of my soul, take me out of my hole
Let me try to continue living now
Don’t forget to remember me
And the love that was
I still remember you
I have a memory in my heart to tell the stars above
Don’t forget to remember me, my love

— Don’t forget to remember the Bee Gees

Here at Bottom 10 headquarters, tucked in the corner of a very busy Auburn University counseling office waiting room, we’re in that facility not because our team just lost the Iron Bowl with a 99.9% chance of winning with 43 seconds remaining, but because the clock may be ticking on the end of the season. Another normal college football.

Once again, we have formed a top ten selection committee to help compile the final rankings. This year’s gathering was another star-studded event. We had our usual list of old panelists, including myself, Captain Morgan, and former head coaches Ed Orgeron, Jerry Glanville, Bob Stoops, and Ed “Strait Arrow” Genereau.

However, we lost some members with Charlie Weiss who was hanging out with his son at Ole Miss and Dan Mullen who took a TV job. So we replaced them with Mike Reilly and Bo Pelini. We also invited Jimbo Fisher, but the only response we received was a selfie of him holding a 10 while standing on top of a pile of money as if he were Richie Rich.

As usual, we met not at the posh Gaylord Texan, where people excited for a college football game hang out, but in an RV that we drove to the resort parking lot, so we could tailgate and call out the CFP snobs while we dug deep — fried chicken thighs and watched Orgeron do push-ups without shirt.

The problem is that we celebrated too little. Glanville started making cupcakes in the RV, Coach O got into a fight with a Gaylord security guard and the rest of us fled the scene, nearly running over Heather Dinich as she filmed live footage for “SportsCenter” from the CFP meetings. In other words, our exit looked like Oklahoma was trying to make its final entry in the Big 12 last weekend.

Illegal block below the waist! pic.twitter.com/LtDlrKXQ1z

– Devin Staton (@DevinStaton) November 24, 2023

Since our panel is now more sparse than the mid-week #MACtion crowd, we have once again relied on the bottom 10 FPI formula. No, not the ESPN Football Power Index, but the Faux Pas Index.

It’s really simple. And by simple, we mean quite complex. Teams receive one point for each win, minus one point for each loss, minus one point for each loss in their longest losing streak of the year, plus a -10 bonus if that streak is active. We also subtract the number of points they gave up from the number of points they scored, subtract or add points based on turnover margin, subtract their Weakness of Schedule (WoS) rating and get a 50-point deduction if they fire their head coach this season, aka Bonus coach Randy Edsall. Divide that by the number of games played, and you get your final ten FPI score.

So, with apologies to Pythagoras, Terry Tau, John Nash, former LSU player Ken Addy and Steve Harvey, here is the final math-based top 10 ranking for 2023.

1. Kent State (1-11)

Victories: +1
losses: -11
Longest losing streak: -9 (current -10)
116 points against 268 points against: -152
Trading margin: -3
WoS: -119
Coach Randy Edsall Bonus: unavailable
the total: -303
Games played: 12
Final Bottom Ten Mistakes Index: -25.25

Nick Saban’s university finished the season as the only team in the country to lose 11 games. Saban has also lost 11 times…since 2014.

2. ULM (pronounced “UHLM”) (2-10)

Victories: +2
losses: -10
Longest losing streak: -10 (current -10)
161 points versus 310 points versus: -149
Trading margin: +1
WoS: -74
Coach Randy Edsall Bonus: -50
the total: -300
Games played: 12
Final Bottom Ten Mistakes Index: -25

ulm, The Warhawks almost, ulm, pulled out of the ulmpset of Kent by, ulm, ending the season on a ulm, 10 game losing streak and then, ulm, sacked Terry Bowden to collect the 50 point FPI bonus. Instead, they lost this competition as well and, Ulm, will have to settle for last place in Solembelt.

3. Yumis (3-9)

Victories: +3
losses: -9
Longest losing streak: -7
278 points versus 454 points versus: -176
Trading margin: -1
WoS: -82
Coach Randy Edsall Bonus: unavailable
the total: -272
Games played: 12
Final Bottom Ten Mistakes Index: -22.7

The Minuetmen spent most of this season wandering the woods around these classifications before becoming like the militia in Lexington and Concord and suddenly showing up out of nowhere to crash the party. The latest load out of their guns was last weekend’s loss in the New England Wicked Smaht Pillow Fight of Da Freaking Week against their hated UCan’t neighbors. And by the final charge fired from their rifles we mean they failed to fire, puffing out their tricorn hats in a cloud of black smoke like that famous American patriot Elmer Fudd.

4. Temple of Doom (3-9)

Victories: +3
losses: -9
Longest losing streak: -5
174 points for 321 points against: -147
Trading margin: -20
WoS: -87
Coach Randy Edsall Bonus: unavailable
the total: -265
Games played: 12
Final Bottom Ten Mistakes Index: -22.1

Speaking of top ten breakers, the Bowels have won just once over their past nine matches to freely fall into this room like Tom Cruise in “Mission Impossible” but only if someone replaced the ropes and cables with silly strings. Speaking of knocking things down, Temple led the nation with a turnover margin of -20, three more than any other team in the country. In related news, my cousin Earl, a member of the Shrine Club of Eastern North Carolina, led the nation in sales of Thanksgiving candy.

5. Oh hello no (11-1)

Ryan Day is now 56-7 at Ohio State but 1-3 against Michigan. On the other hand, Jim Harbaugh is 0-5 against Ohio State, but has won the past three. But if Harbaugh is actually stealing signs in the first two wins and not in the building in the third, does that mean he’s actually 0-5? And this day is actually 1-0? And if these games were deleted by the NCAA, did they really happen? Did these people really exist? If Michigan goes on to win it all, does the CFP’s final four teams actually matter? And have I actually watched “Love, Actually” a lot already, even though Christmas is almost a month ago so I can’t stop using the word already?

6. Acronmenius (2-10)

Victories: +2
losses: -10
Longest losing streak: -6
120 points for 227 points against: -107
Trading margin: -9
WoS: -126
Coach Randy Edsall Bonus: unavailable
the total: -256
Games played: 12
Final Bottom Ten Mistakes Index: -21.3

Temple fans may be upset here because Akron lost head-to-head to the Owls 24-21 in Week 1 and therefore, in theory, should be ranked behind the Zips instead of ahead of them. Our response to that would be: 1. FPI’s bottom ten math is what it is. 2. If you’re angry about your top-10 ranking, you need to seek help, perhaps from a coach who can teach you how to stick to the football. And 3. Hey, Kevin Negandhi, we know that social media user @GoOwlsMcGeeSux is actually you. I used your “SportsCenter” header image as your avatar.

7. Commode Van Doh Bilt Doors (2-10)

Victories: +2
losses: -10
Longest losing streak: -10 (current -10)
135 points vs. 317 points vs: -182
Trading margin: -3
WoS: -19
Coach Randy Edsall Bonus: unavailable
the total: -232
Games played: 12
Final Bottom Ten Mistakes Index: -19.3

The only team in these rankings to reach the top 70 in double-table also played its entire season on half a football field. So, in its defense, it’s hard enough to sail a ship through the SEC, but it’s clearly impossible to do so when there’s no place to get dressed or go to the bathroom.

8. Eutypid (3-9)

Victories: +3
losses: -9
Longest losing streak: -4
166 points against 214 points against: -48
Trading margin: -6
WoS: -105
Coach Randy Edsall Bonus: -50
the total: -219
Games played: 12
Final Bottom Ten Mistakes Index: -18.25

Our old friends from the mountaintop stadium overlooking Ciudad Juarez haven’t been in this standings all season. But the Minors had a big lead late, thanks to a loss to Sam Houston who was top/bottom at the time, we have a problem and then the firing of coach Dana DeMille, who led UTEP to a top-10 title in 2018 and then led four years later them in a bowl. This year it led them into a hole.

9. No-Vada (2-10)

Victories: +2
losses: -10
Longest losing streak: -6
140 points for 236 points for: -96
Trading margin: -4
WoS: -94
Coach Randy Edsall Bonus: unavailable
the total: -208
Games played: 12
Final Bottom Ten Mistakes Index: -17.3

The Woof Pack won two games all season, back-to-back wins over San Diego Stank and New Mexico but not New Mexico State. In the weeks that followed, Aztecs coach Brady Hoke announced his retirement and New Mexico fired Danny Gonzalez. Heads up, Brady and Danny, this is certainly not the first time the Reno Foundation has changed the way it handles someone’s retirement fund.

10. ECU (2-10)

Victories: +2
losses: -10
Longest losing streak: -5
120 points for 165 points against: -45
Trading margin: -5
WoS: -72
Coach Randy Edsall Bonus: unavailable
the total: -135
Games played: 12
Final Bottom Ten Mistakes Index: -11.25

The Pie Rats scored a surprisingly low number in the bottom 10 FPI. This is convenient. Because their offense has been posting surprisingly low numbers all season.

Waiting list: Charlotte 3rd and 9, Pitt and the Pendulum, Bayler, Sean Suh Natti, Indiana Who’s Yours?, Sam Houston We Have a Problem, Fa La La La La Tech, U Kanet, Stanford, Rod Tidwell’s Alma Mater, Missed South, Another Regular Season End.. Boo.